I feel like there's little ants crawling all over me..

I hate that feeling! I feel like there's bugs crawling all over my body but there isn't. It's weird. Irritating.

Anyway!

I have three big tests this week & I have no idea why nothing is sticking.

I wish I could cut out my notes and krazy glue them in my head.

You know what I miss? Taking pictures. Not of me, but of things. Of everyday, mundane, random things.

So, I've been out of my shell lately. Thought I came back but was wrong. Royal mess I like to say.

I haven't had a proud moment as of late. But, I'll get around somehow.

Ok. back to studying for pharmacology.

My future daughter is not going to be a nurse.

Green is the color of the day.

I haven't wrote in a while.

I have a lot on my mind.

I've been on an unofficial hiatus. I have feelings that I've tucked away or just haven't expressed.

I think my attempts to stray from pessimistic blues included words that show...

Ugh. I'm not making sense.

I want to cry.

I want a job?

I want to not get kicked out of the nursing program.

I wish I was born something else.

I want music. I need music. I want to feel good. . .

I want to not want love. I don't want to need someone. But deep down I do.

When it comes down to being home alone on a Friday night, I want that comfort.

I want that someone to call just to tell him I painted my nails a new color today.

I wasn't born to be alone. I'm not very good at it...I mean I know how to be alone. I like alone time. But I like together time too but to have together time...there needs to be two.

What is my problem?

I have a lot of problems that need to be fixed. Like the fact that I procrastinate till the last second.

I don't know where my money goes.

Not to ciggarettes, not at least for the past 5 days.

I crack under pressure.

I'm a bad friend & daughter. :(

"Please Don't Go...

I'll eat you up...I love you so."

I LOVED THIS MOVIE.

Where the Wild Things Are.

New favorite...my kind of healthy dose of nostalgic.

I felt like running around in the forest, screaming. Good shit.

Sunday Picks

Okay, this is in reverse order. This Sunday was nice. I went to church (finally), then went to Starbucks and studied some, came home and cleaned, then played some TENNIS with my friend Ben. It was awesome. I learned to do spins, and to do a spin serve. I'm about to shower, then eat, and then the down part of today...organize receipts and count where the hell my money went, and still needs to go. Oh paper, paper. 

sunflower

  Sunflowers make me happy. 

  So does talking to a good old friend. Thank You. 

  It's always better than good to hear from you. 

  Malasian, Indian, Thai fusion cuisine with good company has also made this night   significantly past mediocre and mundane :) 

 "you shouldn't let the little things upset you. but some little things are worth smiling about."

I need to quit

    This is so tempting. Wanting you. 

    Wanting more.

I really do, need to quit. The thing is, it is the easiest fix. It's the routine that eases me, just a little. It's comforting. But, I really should quit, for the long run. I need to be healthy again. 

This road to self recovery is frustrating. I hate this feeling of inadequacy. 

What a beautiful mess this is...

Still on my way to getting things to where they need to be at: okay. 

Moved out and things are settling, slowly but surely. 

Nursing classes already on full steam, and I'm already trying to play catch up. 

It's okay, I'll get there. 

Drama with fam but we'll get past it. In the process. . . 

I miss my family back home but I'm very thankful for what's here in my life right now. 

I haven't been to church in two weeks :(

I threw away facebook, we'll see how long this lasts. 

Aside from all this, there's got to be some silver lining. 

Oh, I'm trying to quit smoking. I miserably failed my first day. I bought a new pack, at least I'm sharing it with my brother.

I'm going to start working out again...and drink lots of water. Hopefully I'll be healthy again in no time. 

That's all for thoughts today, going to call it a night. 

Night.

there's traffic in the sky

This song never gets old!

Traffic in the Sky-Jack Johnson.

Anyway, just got back a morning run. Real refreshing.

We'll be moving out this coming Friday. I have a few little drama cases going on but hopefully will be settled. 

Wow. I'm glad I'm about to be out of this piece. 

I just got to ride these next three years with stride, I hope they go by faaaast. 

I honestly do want to get on that grown shit. 

i'm not stuck in houstatlantavegas

Houstatlantavegas-Drake 

So the meaning of this song I believe is about a stripper? The whole her story of getting on her own by this means. She's stuck though and the ones she gets brings her closer to getting out. 

I definitely don't relate literally, but in maybe odd but not so odd, sense. 

The dirty truth is my dirty summer. (I don't regret it though, things happen for a reason). 

I went to Japan heartbroken and vacant.  Instrument to fix? Alcohol and good company. 

I submerged myself susceptible to easy comfort.  The release of inhibitions allowed my vacant self to be relieved by accessible physical means.  This went on well most of summer. 

I allowed myself to believe I was fully healed. 

Wrong. 

You can always be over someone...but I didn't allow the scab to fully heal. Instead I peeled it off each time, reversing the process, keeping me in square one. 

Relation of song: I settled for the physical thinking it was easy steps to get me out. Only to realize, they kept me in. 

Relief to say I'm past all that nonsense. I migrated to the next step; meeting one. Talking to one. 

But now I've realized that's not what I need right now. As good as it feels. As clean and innocent as the situation is, I cannot allow myself to need, to want. I need to completely stray from this road. No yield signs. Just bright red, stop. Yellow caution for construction. 

I need to set myself up, on my own (of course not completely, with the help of family & friends).

Not to be socially absent. I just need to, settle for friends, right now. 

This is one time I'll need to be a little selfish. To fully focus on what I want in life. Yes, love is there somewhere, I'm not bitter, I just can't be that vulnerable. 

Strong walls don't take just months. 

Ever since I started college I was either dating or talking to someone. I really can't have that now. It is tempting though, and I probably won't be perfect at this, but at least I got it down somewhere what I need to start doing. 

"We all got dreams & we all start reaching." 

No more crutches. 

let's start fresh

I lost my old password. 

I decided to start fresh anyway. The old blog was had material of remnants I'd rather not touch.

I have a tumblr...to keep in touch with people who tumble. 

The material will likely be the same. 

I'm in the process of trying to move out. 

I hope everything pulls through, then we can move on to bigger things. 

As humble and gracious I have been for living here, I find these walls to be entirely constricting. 

Suffocating the passageways in which I could breathe easily and freely. 

As a human being. 

As a striving young adult. 

Lucky Strike time.